Friday, 27 January 2012

How to be a Really Good Climate Change Alarmist

Guest Post by Anthony Cox

IPCC's James Hansen - Criminal
1: Be Condescending.

You are allowed to look down your nose at anyone who disagrees with you because you are SAVING THE PLANET! And, therefore, anyone who disagrees with you must be inferior because they don’t care about SAVING THE PLANET! You can be condescending in 2 ways; firstly, you can be avuncular and take the approach that you are dealing with people who are TOO STUPID to see your superiority and so must be guided gently but firmly into a proper subservient position. Or you can impersonate a dominatrix and whip and berate the idiots who disagree with you. For those who want to perfect this latter technique a few visits to the Open Mind and Deltoid blogs will bring you up to speed.

2: Be insulting

Hansen again - What  a Criminal...
Insults are allowed. And justified. Against those who disagree with you; because those who disagree with you are getting in the way of SAVING THE PLANET! Use comparisons; compare deniers to creationists, or tobacco addicts, or tobacco producers or anything to do with tobacco. You can say deniers are lackeys of big oil; or big coal; or big anything; except Big W, which doesn’t work. Use sesquipedalianisms; ‘Meme’ is good because Richard Dawkins uses it and he hates creationists and deniers; but be careful because so does Ian Plimer. Dunning-Kruger is also good but it can have blow-back, as can agnotology. Be personal; call Lord Monckton ‘monkey’ or ‘popeye’; it will reflect well on you; and it doesn’t matter what their qualifications are if, like Lindzen, Christy, McKitrick, they disagree with AGW and SAVING THE PLANET because their qualifications might as well have come out of a Cornflakes packet. 

3: Exaggerate. 

This is allowed because you are SAVING THE PLANET! And the means justifies the end; and all the best alarmists do it; you can “offer up scary scenarios” as Steven Schneider suggested; or you can “shock people” as Pachauri advises. Flannery wants to tell people “we’re ruining Earth”, which is very good, considering he must have got that information straight from the Earth since he can talk to Gaia. Hansen thinks we’ll end up like Venus and Professor Mike Sandiford compares humans to atomic bombs. So really the sky is the limit, fill it with exaggerations before they turn it the colour of rusty nails with geo-engineering projects to reduce CO2 levels.

4: Be hypocritical. 

Hypocrisy doesn’t count when you are SAVING THE PLANET! So, you can advocate arresting and prosecuting those nasty ‘deniers’ while you get regularly arrested yourself like Professor Hansen does. Or you can produce as much CO2 as you like as you deliver the message of reducing CO2, as Al Gore does in one of his many mansions, or as the fine people who fly everywhere to the conferences on how to SAVE THE PLANET do. If that isn’t enough for you why don’t you preach about rising sea levels while living by the sea, as Greg Combet, Al Gore, Kevin Rudd and our Cate Blanchet do? Double standards only apply to those who don’t believe in SAVING THE PLANET! Then there is the option of making a buck out of SAVING THE PLANET! Invest in solar panels, wind farms, get a grant; being virtuous has never been so lucrative!

The Abuse of Kids
5: Use children. 

Don’t be afraid to exploit children because you are SAVING THE PLANET! For the children. So, show images of blowing the kids up, running them down, hanging them and drowning them. Make them scared, or angry. They’ll get over being used, when they grow up and realise you were SAVING THE PLANET! 

6: Be misanthropic. 

Don’t stop at exploiting kids, hate everyone; after all you are SAVING THE PLANET from the evil humans who produce CO2; and guess what, all humans produce CO2! Become like Judge Death. Judge Death figured out the best way of controlling crime was to get rid of humans who after all were the people who committed crime. It’s the same with AGW; humans cause it so the solution is: get rid of the humans! Except for yourself, of course, and a few other superior people who think exactly like you.

7: Be ignorant (1); 

as in ignore every problem with the science supporting AGW. The evidence is in so what does it matter if it looks like Swiss cheese, it’s still settled and any problem can be either fixed by fiddling with the computers or the data. AGW is the orthodoxy now and since time memorial all orthodoxies were the source of truth. Just remember the 4 humours of Hippocratic medicine; today it is the 4 catastrophes of AGW so just talk about the death and destruction which is going to happen unless you are allowed to SAVE THE PLANET! And also remember the emails were stolen, were taken out of context and don’t change the fact that the science is settled.

8: Be ignorant (2); 

as in ignore every problem and expense with the ‘solutions’ to AGW. It doesn’t matter that people want to dump iron into the ocean or change the refractive index of the sky; these are worthwhile projects because they will SAVE THE PLANET! And it doesn’t matter that the total global amount of electricity from wind and solar power could not heat Al Gore’s mansion; these are new and exciting technologies and will improve if more money is given; to you; and it is not true that concentrating solar was invented by Archimedes or we have had the age of wind and it was called the 1800’s. Wind and solar will provide power 24/7; everywhere, not just on the space station; as long as more money is given; to you. And a few banks. And $2 companies based in the Bahamas.

9: Worship the UN and the IPCC. 

Genuflect. As a devout Alarmist you know the UN and IPCC are not just bureaucracies. Or corrupt. Or dominated by failed nation states. These vicious rumours are from disgruntled deniers who want to stop the UN and IPCC from SAVING THE PLANET! In fact the UN and IPCC are the source of all wisdom and information about AGW. Given this exalted position they should be running the world. It is not just you who says this. Bob Brown does as well so it must be true.

10: Don’t worry about Cognitive dissonance

It is not something you, or any other believer in AGW, suffer from. While it is true 99% of Green voters, the best AGW believers, live in cities and enjoy a lifestyle nonpareil in human history and will therefore be the ones who suffer most if cheap and abundant power is lost, this will not happen because wind and solar work; and the power will stay on even if all the dirty, disgusting coal and gas power is closed down; as it should be; and don’t even mention nuclear.


  1. Great post Anthony - bough a big smile to my lips

    1. Thanks; I left out the characteristics of no sense of irony or humour as defining the alarmist; maybe a part 2 sometime.


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